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I recently came back from jogging. It’s shocking to write those words. It seems it was likely a decade since my last. But I found out recently that I have slightly high cholesterol, and doctors suggested to do sweaty exercise regularly.

It’s the initial instance in my existence that my motivation to exercise has been my health status. When I was younger, I jogged because I desired to be thinner. I also jogged to cure feelings of anxiety – I was merely escaping from the anxiety, without confronting it. On other occasions, I jogged because I aimed to get better in running. This was the definition to me at that time to develop a better life.

Jogging with altered intent now got me thinking about the methods I’ve connected with my physique during my years and its transformation as I transition from early adulthood to being a middle-aged person. It seems unlikely I’ve honored my own body, not fundamentally. I’ve valued it just for its functions and the objectives it served me: trying to attract others; escaping emotions; achieving a quicker 5K run. Until today, I’ve not understood that my body is me, it embodies my life, as opposed to something that produces results.

A lot has been written for ages about the split of mind and body – a topic it’s reassuring to know, I’m not going to precis in this piece. What I’ve found most intriguing is Freud’s understanding that mind and body are naturally unified from the beginning, because physical development demands emotional evolution and vice versa. The newborn’s physical sensations – for example the corporeal experience of hunger – drive the brain to build the ability to perceive hunger as a feeling that can be sated by eating; and the psychological solace and satisfaction consistently provided by feed after feed feeds the young mind similar to the milk nourishes them bodily. Similarly emotional occurrences – like the wish to rise and reach for something, and the resolve to attempt repeatedly – are why and how muscles grow stronger. From our earliest moments, our body and mind are intertwined in mutual development as unified as a double helix.

Yet It’s become clear, during therapy with my therapist, that mental and physical aspects can be in a distinct connection – a more separated and more exploitative. My consciousness might utilize my physical self to store and manifest things that my psyche considers unwanted or unacceptable. In analysis we realized that there are certain emotions that I am afraid I can’t handle; instead of feeling these in my mind, I subconsciously push them into bodily form, where they get stuck as bodily signs.

I previously experienced this as indigestion – which had nothing to do with my diet, but acted as a form of bodily backlash of the harsher emotions I couldn’t digest in my mind. This wasn’t an intentional act, but when it was brought to awareness in sessions, and my fear and insecurity and anger and panic became palpable and articulated instead of transformed into bodily feelings, it disappeared. It’s uncommon for me from indigestion currently.

The most severe episode I had this severe heartburn, I failed to rest for several nights in a row. I believed I was losing my mind. I went to the GP, who organised multiple scans and tests, but there was nothing physically wrong. It was a different physician who informed me that the origin could be psychological. My analyst concurred. I was surprised, but I also felt it was correct.

Whenever someone endures a bodily issue, they might feel insulted at the suggestion that there might be a psychological cause. They might feel this as being disrespected, the idea that their illness isn’t real. And of course it’s a real phenomenon – people can have their symptoms dismissed or incorrectly identified. Yet occasionally it’s possible that the physical symptoms are genuine – certainly – and the cause is emotional, the subconscious using the physique to express some pain or fury or any feeling awareness is unable to bear. Sometimes, we might assume our feelings matters solely when it is expressed through the body. We persistently neglect our mental states personally, collectively and culturally; for what reason would we tolerate the terrible reduction of mental health treatments through health services?

Personal insights have taught me that a better life cannot be built when we are stuck without realization in patterns of interaction, inside us and with others, that originate in disregard, exploitation and transaction. Such patterns are often easier to recognize “externally” in the general public. It may be harder to reflect on where they come from, and to recognise these forms within ourselves and within our closest relationships, in the dynamics of our mental lives.

But it’s valuable to continue. After donning my trainers again following many years, going outside without aiming for physical improvement, or to eliminate an emotion, or to beat a 5km time, {it